fant denne (nokså lange) tipsartikkelen i bryllupsjungelen,skrevet av en dame som kaller seg Sulla/jennifer mendelsohn. noe i den er veldig typisk amerikansk. den er lang,men verdt å lese! ville dele med dere andre soon2be
The Sullatips:
Straightforward Rules for Keeping Wedding Planning From Sapping Your Common Sense, Squashing Your Sense of Humor, and Sucking the Joy Out of One of Life's Most Joyous Occasions
By Jennifer Mendelsohn
My best piece of wedding advice? Its a party, its a party, its a party. Don't let your obsession with making sure you do and buy all the stuff you're "supposed" to suck the joy out of your very joyous day. Just let it roll and make sure that your wedding is, at heart, a celebration, not a staged production. We've somehow gotten so crazed about all the stuff we're supposed to do and have and buy, that IMO, too many weddings have lost that carefree sense of celebration that the old-fashioned, simple VFW Hall events had in spades.
In other words, it's all about feeling, not stuff. (One of my favorite weddings ever was in a backyard and planned in about three months.) If you want to make your wedding better, make it richer in feeling, not in stuff.
Let me say that again.
If you want to make your wedding better, make it richer in feeling, not stuff. </I>
Too much "stuff" can actually sometimes bog it down and make it
less enjoyable and meaningful. Plus, you're front-loading your day with anxiety if you must have every single little thing controlled and coordinated and (God I hate this word)
perfect. You really don't have to obsess about matching the bridesmaids' earrings and hose, or coordinating the groomsmen's ties to the frosting and the bow on the flower girl's dress. Do not give so much as a second thought to your uneven bridal party (this isn't a military parade, it's a wedding!) and think about throwing a great, memorable party to mark your marriage.
Why? Because it's really not about whether the sash on your dress matches the favor boxes and the ink on the save-the-date cards, or about finding the absolute perfect cake serving set to match your theme. (We didn't even have favors, STDs, a serving set
or a theme.) It's about the look on the face of the woman wearing the sash dress and cutting the cake, even if she uses a rusty old knife someone found in the back. As my caterer likes to say, your bridesmaids' dresses do not need to match the linens unless you plan to use the bridesmaids as centerpieces. (Hey! It could cut your flower bill.)
Ponder this for a second: why are second weddings almost always so much fun? Because their metaphorical hearts are in the right place. Second-time brides seem much more willing to dispense with all the wedding-y "stuff" and focus instead on throwing a meaningful, relaxed celebration - a party. So try to plan your wedding like it's your second...even if it's really your first.
I'm not saying it's intrinsically wrong to match everything and obsess about the details if that really makes you happy and that's a natural instinct for you. But it seems like I've seen far too many brides make themselves miserable trying to match everything and make all the little details perfect because they think they're
supposed to, like the Knottie who was worried about what color limo would look best against her dress. (Puh-leeze!) Or they think that the skies will rain fire and their wedding will suck if they don't get crazed about having the font on the save-the-dates match the cocktail napkins. It won't. If it's something you don't care about, but you're all uptight that you're
supposed to care about it, or worried that you see other people caring about, it's probably not something you should care about.
I'm also most definitely NOT saying that elaborate, fancy weddings can't be wonderful ones. (As a matter of fact, I had a pretty elaborate, fancy wedding.) But if you're going into it thinking that it's the fancy, elaborate
stuff that's going to make the wedding a good one, think again. Wonderful weddings are the ones that
feel wonderful, regardless of how much or how little "stuff" is involved. It's a question of emphasis: if you make sure you're aiming for a great
feeling wedding first and foremost, you can have as much or as little matchy matchy "stuff" as you want. But the problem I see so many brides encountering is that they seem to have their priorities backwards, and they're investing the "stuff" and the details with way too much importance, thinking that the only way to have a great wedding is to make sure all the "stuff" is perfect. But they end up shooting themselves in the foot because the obsession with detail becomes so overwhelming and anxiety-producing (totally understandable, btw, given what we all see in the magazines and tv shows and on the web) that they get tunnel vision and completely forget the joyous celebration that this is all supposed to be about. It's a party, it's a party, it's a party!
My brother, a very well-regarded wedding photographer, very smartly says there are only two kinds of wedding, regardless of size, budget, location, style, or anything else: fun weddings and stressful weddings. Aim to make yours fun and the rest will fall into place.
In short, nobody ever leaves a wedding saying, "Yeah, it was soooo great! The mother of the groom's dress was the SAME EXACT SHADE as the bridesmaids' shoes!" People leave a wedding thinking it was great because it
felt great - because the bride and groom were in love and happy, and the party felt appropriately joyous, even if there's not a single Martha Stewart-ish detail anywhere in sight.
* Psst! You're in charge. Not the wedding industry. I'm so tired of brides asking "Can I do this?" or "Would it be ok if I did this?" When it comes to your wedding, YOU are the ultimate authority, not Martha Stewart, and not a chorus of anonymous women on the Internet. Of course there are protocols to help guide you, but that's all they are: guidelines, not legal doctrines written in stone. Don't be afraid to deviate from them and follow your gut. The only way to make your wedding truly memorable is to make it truly yours, not to make it a carbon copy of every other bride's.
While we're at it, this also means that asking "Is [insert wedding detail here] worth it?" is kind of a meaningless question. We all have a budget, and you have to assign priorities within that budget. If having the most fabulous Vera Wang or Reem Acra gown is the most important thing in the world to you, and you are willing to serve your guests on paper plates to achieve it, then it's worth it to you. (Of course, I can't really condone that one in good conscience, but I'm just trying to make a point!) Maybe having the world's best live band is more important to you, and it means you can't have a couture gown. Whatever the specifics, I see this getting asked all the time on the Knot and the answer is that there are no absolute values assigned here: wearing a couture gown (or having a live band, or engraved invitations, or a video, or whatever) is "worth" something very different to every woman, so no one can make those decisions for you. Sure, get some input. Find out how others made these choices. But know that ultimately, you need to trust your gut and your budget.
* Don't let the reception planning overshadow your ceremony planning. It's really what the day is about. And besides, nothing puts guests in a better mood to party than witnessing a meaningful and personal wedding ceremony. I remember a very very fancy over- the top country club wedding that must have cost $100,000. But they had an incredibly mediocre, "insert-bride -and-groom here" kind of ceremony. And to be honest, when I think back on that wedding, what I remember most is the crappy ceremony, not the vodka shot bar.
* This is tough, but I believe that money does not equal control. Just because your parents (or whoever) are paying, does not give them the right to steamroll you. That means that if you want a small intimate wedding, your mother doesn't get to invite 100 people just because she pays for it. Your husband's grandfather does not get to have a polka band just because he pays for it. (By the same token, if your mother is paying, and she wants an all broccoli menu, that's her right, right?) Think about if you were going to throw your parents an anniversary party. And you picked the menu that YOU liked, the flowers and music YOU liked and a guest list of all YOUR friends. You'd be a pretty thoughtless host, right? Well, though it's controversial, I believe the same is true of hosting a wedding. Your parents already were the bride and groom...now it's your turn. They don't get to go again. ;-)
*Remember that it's all good. Wedding stress is undeniably real. There's no getting around it. Believe me, I've been there. Weddings hit many uncomfortable hot button issues, and we've all had moments where we just want to kick it all. But you're planning a wedding, not a funeral or a fundraiser to help your dying child get a new heart.
Which is to say that it's really hard to feel sorry for someone overwhelmed by planning a wedding, and there's nothing, and I mean nothing, more unattractive than a bride who whines her way through what should be an exciting, happy process. Because in truth you've done the truly stressful part already: you've survived the dating scene and found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you're stressing over planning the ceremony that will bond the two of you and the wonderful party that will celebrate that bond and perhaps even the fabulous vacation you get to go on when it's all over? Poor you. I don't want to get too maudlin here, but I just had a 35 year old friend with three little boys under the age of five die of cancer. His wife's website about their daily battle with his illness and her attempts to keep it together for the boys should be required reading for every bride who's complaining about how stressful it is to plan her wedding.
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remember why you're a wreck: You're planning a joyous occasion, and if you're letting it make you miserable, you're doing something wrong.
*Guests only see what's there, not what isn't. I actually learned this one on the Knot when planning my own wedding in 2002. People will never know that you didn't choose the most expensive entrée, or that you opted for the trio instead of the quartet to save money. I desperately wanted the ridiculously expensive Chiavari chairs for my wedding, but ultimately realized I couldn't stretch our budget to fit them. And I stressed and stressed over it. We had plain white wooden folding chairs instead. Do you think anyone came away from my wedding saying, "It was nice, but she should have had better chairs"? If you focus on making the most of what is there, nobody will ever be the wiser about the options you turned down.
*You're having a wedding, not a photo shoot. A wedding is an event involving real people that will also be photographed and often, filmed. You're not staging an event just to be photographed and filmed or costuming actors to play a role. Which means that you really shouldn't stress about whether your father-in-law's ivory tie will clash with the bridesmaids' champagne dresses in the pictures or if your fiancé's shirt needs to be the exact same shade as your dress, unless you have a Raggedy Ann and Andy theme in play. You're having a party for people to enjoy, not a photo shoot with models. Make it your priority to focus on doing whatever it takes to make the
actual event wonderful, and the pictures will reflect that. If you find yourself asking, "But how will it look in pictures?", think again. "Is this what I want for my wedding?" is a much healthier question. In other words, aim for a great wedding, not just a perfect-looking
record of one. Besides, you should banish the word "perfect" from your wedding vocabulary unless you're talking about your spouse. (And a special footnote about the eternal white shirt/ivory dress "crisis": a man in a crisp white tuxedo shirt can never, ever be out of style, no matter what the woman standing next to him is wearing.)
Having been through the entire wedding process, I now heartily recommend that you don't get stressed out about what anyone else but you is going to wear to your wedding. That means no dictating your mother-in-law's dress, or picking shoes or hairdos for the bridesmaids unless they're asking you to. Whoever it is you're worried about could wear a Hefty bag and a lampshade and I promise you you won't notice because you will be so blissfully happy that day. All the people involved in your wedding are presumably adults and what they wear reflects on no one but them. It's just not worth it, because the net result (bridesmaids in matching shoes, for instance) will really not make your wedding more enjoyable or memorable or special, but bridesmaids who are happy and relaxed and feel good about what they're wearing really will. Just my .02. I guess I understand the matching bridesmaid dress is very important to some people, but I have a general rule of thumb that no one over the age of, say, six, should have their footwear chosen for them.
*I think part of the "photo shoot syndrome" is that too many brides think their wedding will take place in a fantasy zone that bears no connection to their day-to-day lives. You think you will arrive, butterfly and princess-like, on the wedding morning, to discover your friends and family will somehow be more attractive and caring, your own manners will be better, and all normal human impulses will be stifled. You think you will be whisked from moment to moment on a sugarcoated cloud of good will and tulle, as if the wedding zone exists outside the space/time continuum. Annoying Aunt Edna will miraculously be transformed into your cool best friend and mosquitoes won't bite and you won't sweat when you dance or snort when you laugh.
As special and important and meaningful and remarkable and splendid as it is, it's really just a day of your life, the one after the day before and before the day after. I would recommend you don't have expectations that it will be this fantasy perfect day that has nothing to do with your real life. It's this fantasy expectation that can breed bridezillas who won't allow pregnant bridesmaids or uneven bridal parties or (I am not making this up) a bridesmaid in a wheelchair because of how it might look. I think the best weddings are those that reflect, respect and celebrate the reality of your life, even when that reality is a little imperfect, not those that feel completely removed from reality, like you're watching a perfectly scripted movie. You're a bride, and that's very special, but you're not a Stepford wife or a Kabuki performer. Keep it real.
*Let's talk about photography. If your preference is for that very natural photojournalistic look, I urge you to use a REAL photojournalist, not a wedding photographer who shoots a few candids and calls that a "photojournalistic style", which is all the rage lately. How can you tell? Real photojournalists will have worked for wire services, newspapers or magazines. If you don't hire someone with that kind of background, chances are your wedding pictures will not look that way because they haven't been trained to shoot that way. When people ask what the difference is, I say that traditional photographers create perfect "moments" - not necessarily ones that actually happened -- and capture those: they fan out the bride's dress in a perfect half circle. They stop the bride and groom in the middle of the cake cutting and tell them when to smile. They have the mother and father stand a few steps away and gaze lovingly. In general, they direct the action. Photojournalists are trained to shoot news, not set up shots ...they capture the day as it unfolds, good, bad, ugly, (well hopefully not too ugly), but most of all...spontaneous. War photographers don't head into battle with a "must take" list, and neither do sports photographers going to cover a game. They just shoot what they see. So you won't get a parents-gazing-lovingly shot from a photojournalist unless that moment actually
happened.
This doesn't mean that photojournalists won't take some beautiful posed portraits for you, or won't get the obligatory picture of you with your parents. But their posed portraits just tend to be much more natural looking, and they will probably be less willing to do the 900 different family constellation photos. (Here's Bob and Jane with Mom. Here's Bob and Jane with Mom and Dad. Here's Mom and Dad with just Jane....) Photojournalists tell the story of your wedding in pictures. Period. (And for the record, that has nothing to do with pictures of your shoes!) I also laugh when people say photojournalism is just a "trend"; tell that to Civil War photographer Matthew Brady, whose battlefield photos can still rip your heart out 140 years later. Timeless, beautiful photogaphy will never, ever be out of style. Trite, contrived pictures will look dated almost immediately.
While we're on the subject of photography, nothing irks me more than people who say they want really unique pictures...and then ask people to post theirs so they can copy poses. The only way to have
really unique pictures is to have pictures that capture what happened at your wedding and your wedding only. And once again, after many years as a regular on the Knot message boards, I don't think I've EVER seen a bride say her favorite wedding photo was one she copied from someone else's album. They're almost always something that captured a unique moment that could never be replicated. Please, please, please, just stop with the "must take" picture lists - especially when so many of the pictures you're trying to copy are candids and therefore really un-duplicatable. It's almost embarrassing to think your wedding album is going to be filled with pictures you "borrowed," copying what happened naturally at someone else's wedding. What should you do instead? Hire a photographer you trust who'll have creative, imaginative ideas of their own. I beg you. It's fine if you want to show your photographer a few pictures you like to give them an idea of the style that appeals to you, but replicating them exactly? Yikes. If you're somebody who wants and needs all the "traditional" poses, by all means, use that checklist they give you on the Knot, but this whole idea of recreating creative poses is, to me, (as someone whose completely candid photos have appeared in others' bios on the must-take list) bordering on, um, creepy.
I've also heard it (incorrectly, IMO) said that the bride and groom somehow need to be camera savvy to be properly captured by a photojournalist, or that not every wedding is a good bet for photojournalism. I heartily disagree. Do you think before publications send photographers out to shoot a feature story, they first investigate whether the subject is "camera-savvy?" It doesn't matter who you are or where your wedding is or what you look like: every single wedding - a sacred event where two people in love commit their lives to each other in the presence of friends and family and (often) God -- is going to be filled with countless beautiful, inimitable, heartwrenching moments ripe for capturing, as long as you have a photographer who knows how to do it. You shouldn't need to "borrow" from anyone.
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